


what you feel is what you are (and what you are is beautiful)

by cheryltonis



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: 4x08 Compliant, Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, F/F, Protective Toni Topaz, Toni Topaz Is An A+ Girlfriend, choni, those two random girls in the locker room were assholes and bad things should happen to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21697264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheryltonis/pseuds/cheryltonis
Summary: toni finds cheryl in the locker room after her session with mrs. burble.
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 7
Kudos: 220





	what you feel is what you are (and what you are is beautiful)

**Author's Note:**

> literally i wanted toni to clonk those two girls’ heads together. 
> 
> also this is the fourth fic i’ve written with goo goo dolls lyrics as the title so there’s that. this is not to be taken seriously i just felt the urge to write it, so enjoy!

Adjusting her backpack on her shoulder, Toni hoisted her textbooks in her arms, nearly dropping her copy of _The Amityville Horror_ that she’d just checked out from the library. Oddly enough, everything going on at Thistlehouse lately had rekindled her old love of true crime and horror. As strange as it was to say, they brought her a sense of comfort, as well as a distraction; Things she needed now more than ever. 

With her head held high, she smiled at one of her passing classmates before approaching the girl’s locker room door, pressing her back against the wood to push it open. Cheryl was most likely already inside, dressed for cheer practice later today as she always was. Toni hadn’t seen her since she got called to Principal Honey’s office during lunch. It couldn’t have been a good meeting, considering her curious texts had gone unanswered ever since. Not to mention Cheryl and the current principal weren’t exactly on great terms. But she was sure she would hear about it the second she stepped through the locker room door.

Instead she was met with the hushed snickers of two Jr. Vixens. A.k.a., girls who weren’t good enough to be on the actual squad, but were (per Weatherbee the year before) given a fair chance to work their way up. She recognized the two sophomores as they stopped laughing the second they saw her, casting their eyes down as the brushed past her and through the door. It wasn’t an unfamiliar reaction. She _was_ Senior Vice President, Vixens co-captain, and of course the leader of a gang. Not the mention the girlfriend of Cheryl Blossom. If people didn’t know her as anything else, they knew her as _that_. Girlfriend of Riverdale High’s resident HBIC. If only the rest of the school knew that their head bitch in charge slept with a teddy bear and couldn’t sleep peacefully unless she was being cuddled.

Snorting a light laugh to herself, she shook her head at the thought of her clingy girl as she stepped farther into the locker room. But the sound of quiet sniffles and hiccups caught her attention quickly. She was unfortunately too familiar with those little whimpers of despair that always followed strained sobs. She’d heard them enough times to know that Cheryl was in there somewhere, trying to keep quiet. 

Dropping her books and backpack to the nearest bench, she rounded the corner, feeling her heart drop into the pit of her stomach at the sight of her girlfriend curled into herself on the floor, rocking unconsciously back and forth with her knees to her chest as she muffled sobs into the fabric of her HBIC shirt. 

“Babe?” Toni’s voice was as gentle as she could manage as she stepped closer, not wanting to make things worse, “Cher, what’s wrong? What happened?”

The redhead picked her head up and promptly wiped at her cheeks with the pads of her fingers, her lips parting in a toothy smile as she looked up at her girlfriend with bloodshot eyes. “I’m fine, TT,” her voice was chipper as ever, masking any sign of hurt or sadness. But even if Toni hadn’t just walked in and heard her crying, she knew better than to fall for Cheryl’s ‘smile and wave’ technique. 

“Hey,” the pink haired girl sighed, moving to sit down beside her with her back against he cool metal of the yellow lockers, “Don’t do that with me,” she said gently, reaching up to brush strands of copper hair from her flushed face, “We’re being honest with each other, remember? You don’t have to be fine all the time. ‘Specially not with me. What happened with Honey earlier?”

Cheryl was quiet, with the exception of a few sniffles here and there as she stared down at the vinyl letters on the shirt in her hands. And Toni waited. She’d wait as long as Cheryl needed her to. She raked her fingers through her long red hair as the sound of students in the hallway got quieter and quieter until it disappeared entirely just before the bell rang, signaling the start of the last class of the day for most. But thankfully the two of them, with their important extracurricular activities, were both given free period for their last classes of the day, giving them time to work out routines for the Vixens, conduct important matters of the school as class president and V.P., or even head home early for the day to take care of Nana Rose and the twins. Toni would cancel practice today if she had to. 

“You don’t think I’m crazy do you, TT?” Cheryl’s quiet voice cut through the thick silence.

“I don’t think you’re crazy. Of course not. I do...” she flicked her tongue out over her lips, taking the time to choose her words carefully, “I do think that a lot’s happened to you. Over the past few years, especially. And I think that it would be a good idea for you to see someone about it. Y’know there’s no shame in getting help and talking to someone, babe.”

“But I have _you_ ,” the redhead countered weakly, tears springing to her eyes all over again. 

“Cheryl...I _love_ you. But I can’t be your only outlet. You need someone unbiased. Someone who’s trained to guide you through what you’re feeling. It’s not fair to either of us to think that we’re gonna magically solve each other’s problems. I’m more than happy to let you talk my ear off about everything you need to get off your chest. But I can’t solve any of it, as much as I wish I could. You’ve been through so much shit, babe, I can’t even imagine how you still manage to even _fake_ a smile some days, let alone put on that pretty real one that I love so much.”

Red lips curled into a slight grin as Cheryl’s cheeks tinted pink at the compliment. “That’s what Mrs. Burble said,” she mumbled, wiping under her eye delicately, “She called me resilient.”

“Mrs. Burble?” Toni cocked her head curiously, “The guidance counselor?”

With a nod, Cheryl sniffled and turned her body towards her girlfriend a bit, leaning into her body. “When I got to Principal’s Honey’s office, he asked me if I was aware of how low my attendance had dipped this semester. But...when I tried to educate him as to why...he said the explanation I gave him was the reason he was going to bring in a coach to take over the Vixens. And long story short, it was either let that happen or go see Mrs. Burble for an evaluation...to see if I was psychologically fit to run the squad.”

Toni looked down at the tear-stained shirt in her girlfriend’s lap, biting her lip in realization. “I’m guessing it didn’t go so well?” She watched as Cheryl shook her head slowly, confirming that it, indeed, hadn’t gone well. “Babe, you’ve got _so_ much going on. I know keeping busy is a good distraction for you, but there’s such a thing as doing _too_ much. You can’t put Nana and the twins on the back burner. You can’t let your 4.0 slip. And you’re sworn in as class president...so, maybe...” she sighed, reaching for one of her hands, “Maybe this will be good for you. I know it sucks, but imagine how much more free time you’ll have, not having to come up with routines or stay late after school as much. We’d have time to take Junie and Dag to the playground before it gets dark like we’ve been wanting to do...I know they miss their Auntie.”

Cheryl wiped a tear at the thought of her beloved niece and nephew, realizing how much of their lives she was missing on top what she had already missed before they came into their care. And with her and Toni going off to college soon, she was bound to miss even more. 

“And you’re not off the squad, Cher, you’re just...not in control of it anymore. And I know it sucks and it’s scary for you to lose control of something. Especially something you’ve worked so hard for,” she offered, trying to give her some words of comfort. Toni wasn’t a professional. She was just a teenaged girl in love with someone who had been to hell and back, with nothing to offer but her support. Her hand stroked gently up and down Cheryl’s forearm as they sat in silence, feeling goosebumps rise on the pale skin under her palm. “So...Mrs. Burble said you’re resilient?”

Cheryl nodded with a hint of a smile.

“She’s right, you know. You _are_ resilient and strong as hell. And you’re still HBIC around here. You got that title by not taking any shit from anyone and not letting anyone else knock you down. And I know you’re not gonna let this change that.”

With another sniffle, the redhead brought her knees to her chest again, wrapping her arms around them tightly. “No one’s going to cower in fear at the very sight of me after word gets out that I was crying like a baby in the locker room,” she mumbled, turning to face Toni with her cheek against her knees.

“Who’s gonna find out? We’re the only ones in here,” she gestured around to the empty space with a slight chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. But the way Cheryl’s face only fell further made her realize that she wasn’t alone before she had arrived.

“Did those girls say something to you?” she asked after a beat. But the answer was obvious in the way that Cheryl’s already flushed face turned a darker shade of pink as her eyes shimmered with unshed tears.

“Th-they didn’t say anything to me, TT. _About_ me, but not _to_ me. It just...it brought me back to those first few weeks after JJ died. And after my father’s suicide...and every other tarnishing life event I’ve endured. People have always talked _about_ me. Sometimes not even subtly, like those...repugnant sophomore vultures. But it just reminded me of how no one ever talked _to_ me. Surely, if they had tried, I would have brushed them off, but...”

“It’s nice to be checked on. I know,” Toni nodded, finishing for her as she twirled red strands around her fingers. “But...you know there’s no shame in asking for help too. Have you considered seeing Mrs. Burble or someone outside of school regularly?”

“It was never an option,” she bit down on her red painted lip and averted her eyes, “My close-minded parents would never entertain the idea of getting help. Blossoms didn’t have problems and didn’t need anyone’s help. They even paid extra for our family physician to make exclusive house calls so no one ever saw any of us going to a doctor out in public. Sickness is weakness. And Blossoms aren’t weak,” her voice caught in her throat as she practically recited her father’s own words. And she hated that he still had power over her, even in death. 

“They can’t control you anymore, Cheryl. Your father’s gone, your mother’s M.I.A., and you’re emancipated. They don’t have a say in anything you do or don’t want to do.”

A sniffle was her only response as she could see the cogs turning behind her pale forehead.

“Did talking to Burble make you feel any different?”

Cheryl turned to her again and pursed her lips together into a tight line, thinking of an answer. “I suppose so. I don’t feel worse like I assumed I would. As strange as it sounds, it was nice to speak to an adult who doesn’t already know me. She had my file, but she didn’t know _me_. It was like...getting to start over with someone new to make my own impression instead of having my reputation precede me. Though, I wasn’t the kindest to her to begin with.”

“Sounds familiar,” Toni breathed a breath of laughter. She could only imagine the hell Cheryl gave the poor woman she was being forced to speak to. “I might see if I can make an appointment with her too,” she shrugged, biting the inside of her cheek, “Maybe she can help me too.”

Cheryl’s eyes widened a bit as she picked her head up off her knees, apprehension and fear in her dark brown irises. “I’m sorry, TT, I know the den of iniquity we call home is probably far from a place of solace for you. Especially as of late.”

“No, no, it’s not just that. Even if it was, that’s not your fault. There’s just a lot going on in my head lately, with college, and my grandpa getting older, and...y’know, what happened with your uncle...I just need to get all that out to someone who’s paid to listen.”

“You can talk to me, my love,” Cheryl tried to offer her a comforting smile as her cold hands covered Toni’s warm ones.

“I know I can,” she nodded, bringing one of her hands up to kiss her knuckles before playing idly with her fingers, “But there’s problems I need solved. And like I said before, it’s not fair if I expect you to solve them. We can talk to a professional and still talk to each other. If you decide to see someone, I’m still gonna wanna know what’s going on in your head and for you to communicate how you’re feeling with me. You don’t have to tell me, but it would be nice to know how your sessions go and if you think they’re helping. And I’ll do the same. We’re in this together, remember?”

Red lips curled into a solemn smile as Cheryl gave the littlest of nods. “I love you, TT,” she whispered, leaning in for a slow, delicate kiss. It felt different than any kiss they’d shared before, but she just couldn’t understand why. It was like a kiss of hope as they took a step forward.

“I love you too, babe,” Toni smiled against her lips, pressing their foreheads together for a few moments of silence before glancing down at her phone. “Practice is gonna start in twenty, so put on your Head Bitch shirt and those pants that make your ass look great and let’s go to the gym.”

Cheryl giggled a little and shook her head, “I think I’m going to skip practice for today.”

“Does this have something to do with those J.V. bitches? You never wanna skip practice,” Toni’s face softened with worry.

“Not entirely. I’m not particularly fond of the idea of being there when Principal Honey tells the girls that I’m no longer their official superior. But...there’s more pressing matters that I need to attend to,” she sighed, as she started to stand up off the cold floor, smoothing and brushing off her skirt after helping her girlfriend to her feet.

“Is everything okay? Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, _doux amour_ , this is something I need to on my own. But all will be explained later tonight once I have a better understanding of it, myself. I promise,” she reached up to stroke cup Toni’s cheek affectionately. How she got so lucky after a lifetime of horror was beyond her comprehension. But she knew to never take her girlfriend for granted. Her petite, pink-haired beauty was the only person, aside from Jason, that she trusted completely.

“Okay,” Toni nodded, “I’ll see you at home, then?”

“Are you going to practice?”

“Nah, you know I only show up cause you’re there,” she teased, biting her lip as a blush covered Cheryl’s face again. “But really, though, I, uh...I’ve got pressing matters of my own that I should probably take care of.” She smiled into the peck she placed to her lips, watching as the redhead sighed and tucked her shirt back into her locker before hooking her little red backpack over her shoulders.

“Thank you, TT...for always being there for me. Even though I haven’t alway deserved it,” Cheryl took her hand as they rounded the corner towards the door, stopping so the pinkette could pick up her belongings from the bench she had left them on.

“You deserve the world, babe. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

**xxx**

Leaning against the wall outside the gym, Toni checked her phone for the time and smirked to herself. Any minute now, the Vixens would be piling out of the gym to go home for the day. And she had a bone to pick with two of them.  
Like clockwork at exactly 4:30, the gymnasium doors opened across from her, letting the buzz of the sound of gossiping cheerleaders echo into the halls. She scanned the numerous heads for the two she wanted to slam against he concrete bricks of the walls, grinning deviously to herself when she saw them.

“Hey, Courtney and Whitney, wait up!” she pushed herself off the wall and approached them with her arms crossed over her chest.

“Um...those aren’t our names,” the blonde one eyed her up and down. 

The brunette nodded in agreement and adjusted her gym bag on her shoulder. “Yeah, our names are-“

“It’s called a pop culture reference,” Toni held a hand up to stop her, “If you’re gonna be a Vixen this year, you better get used to them, because my girlfriend uses them _a lot_. I’m sure you know of my girlfriend? Cheryl Blossom?”

The girls looked at each other before nodding back in her direction, stepping back towards the wall as Toni stepped forward.

“Well, a little birdie told me that you had some things to say about her this afternoon,” she stepped closer again, inserting herself into their personal space as they continued to step back in fear, “I don’t think you two realize the hole you’ve dug for yourselves. Do you like it here at Riverdale High?”

With confusion on their faces, the girls looked at each other before nodding their heads again, tensing up when Toni stepped closer again, this time leaving them trapped against the wall.

“Glad to hear it. But I’ve got eyes and ears all over this school. And if I catch word that you were talking about my girlfriend or even _looking_ in her direction from here on out, I can assure you that you won’t like it here for the next two and a half years. I may be a senior, but trust me when I say that even after I’ve graduated, I’ll still have eyes and ears _everywhere_. 

She could see the sweat on their foreheads and smell the bubblegum from their mouths with how close she was standing, just barely a few inches taller than them in her platform boots. “Even if she weren’t one of the most powerful students to ever roam these halls, she’s still _my_ girlfriend. And you know what that means?”

They shook their heads with fear in their eyes.

“It means I’ll do _anything_ to make sure she’s happy. You two have _no_ idea what I’m capable of. But believe me, you _will_ find out if I find out you even let her name leave your mouths. Got it?”

She backed up with a satisfied smile, when they nodded, seeing them physically shaken from just her words. Toni was a fighter, but over time she’d learned that she was much more intimidating with words.

“Good,” she nodded with her sickeningly sweet smile, looking them up and down, “And I expect your sneakers to be spotless by next practice. Vixens don’t wear scuffed shoes.”

And with that, she turned on her heel and started to saunter away, giving herself a mental pat on the back before stopping in her tracks to turn back around. 

“By the way,” she pointed to the brunette with a curious look on her face, “You just got a new BMW for your birthday, right? The white one in the side lot?”

The sophomore’s brows furrowed in a mix of confusion and fear, “Uh...y-yeah, why?”

“Nothing, I just noticed it the other day. It’s nice,” Toni smiled sweetly at her before turning back around to head down the hall towards the main exit, smirking wildly to herself as she imagined the looks on their faces when they inevitably noticed that the shiny white BMW’s tires had been slashed.


End file.
